Thursday, 25 September 2014

I am left, not with conclusions or evidence or proofs, but with something less definite...

I realised that I need to start using this blog as online therapy again, just like I used to, because when I did I felt more empowered. And any writing is good writing, rather than not writing at all.

This blog doesn't reach a massive audience. You can probably tell... just look at all of the tumble weeds in the comment section. And I hope that more people choose to read it one day, but for now I'm okay. 

Blogging is an art form, and a lot of viewership has been lost to the more interactive medium of Youtube, where you can broadcast yourself instead of writing about yourself. I personally feel more comfortable with writing instead of talking, but I love youtubers and love how they are finally being noticed properly for their art. 

"I am left, not with conclusions or evidence or proofs, but with something less definite - feelings, questions, analogies, puzzling facts to be explained." - Raymond Moody

This is a quote that I've been thinking a lot about lately, and it rings so true. My feelings are so messed up at the moment that I don't know whether to write an entire novel or sit and do nothing, work my butt off or relax and enjoy living in the moment, or carry on or give up. I have been feeling very positive until today, and I've been thinking about how different my life was a year ago.

A year ago I wanted to do physics and maths for A-Level and go to UCLA and study either neurobiology or astrophysics. I was much weaker than I am now, much more anxious (if that is even possible) and basically falling apart. I didn't tell anyone until something happened that meant I couldn't keep it quiet any longer, and that sparked restless trips to the doctor's, the hospital, and at one point a therapist. It wasn't the fact that I hated school itself, I just didn't want to be there full time anymore. 

When I got my GCSE results a year ago, I soon realised I couldn't do maths and physics, but this was a blessing because honestly, the only reason I wanted to do them was to get somewhere in life, and I thought that was the only way to be successful. I then realised I couldn't go to UCLA because my parents are quite over-protective of me... plus you have to be a genius to get in, which I am certainly not. 

All of this got me thinking about my life and the point at where I am today. If I had done maths and physics, I wouldn't have done philosophy, and my life today would be the same as it was a year ago. If I hadn't have taken philosophy, the incident wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't have had those much needed doctor's appointments, and I wouldn't be getting better. 

Yeah, there are many things in my life before these things that I genuinely wish had never have happened, and there are a couple of things after these events that I would change if I could too. These are what the quote above would describe as 'puzzling facts'. You don't quite know why these things are the way they are, but they are most certainly there. 

Yesterday, I handed an essay to my English teacher, and I told him it probably wasn't very good. He began to read it since I had handed it in before anyone else (I know, I'm a keen bean) and he said "Its really good actually, a lot better than the one you handed to me a year ago. Remember that its only the first draft and when you make changes it will get even better."

I think that's a microcosm for our lives. We're doing better than we think we are, especially better than last year or the year before that. Each life plan we have is only a first draft, and as the situation changes you have to change your plans with it. But trust me, the changes will make your life even better, and if you have to plan again, it will get better again. Life will get better than it is in this moment. 

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