So I have been thinking about this for a while now, and I don't know what I should do.
I have been to therapy one time in my life, and I didn't like it. The thought of spilling my guts out to a stranger who I knew didn't really care and wouldn't be here if they weren't getting paid made me feel really uneasy. But then again, I don't even speak to my closest friend about things, so I've been pretty much holding things in for almost a decade.
Most of the time, I can cope with the things that I have inside my head. I have a lot of secrets, and due to the nature of them I don't ever talk about them for various reasons:
- My parents know most of it and understand, but can't really do anything about it
- I feel as though it would be pointless to tell my friends these issues for the same reason
- The secrets I have are life-changing and I'm not sure if I'm ready for the consequences
And most of the time, like I said, I can keep it all in and get on with my life.
But sometimes, like right now as I'm writing this, the biggest secret I hold affects me as a train going at full speed would affect a stray fox crossing the railway.
It is always in the back of my mind, of course, and there is never a day I don't think about it, but sometimes I spend entire days thinking about it, and it just kills me. I cast the day off as ruined and either go to bed or keep my head burrowed in Youtube videos for the rest of the day. A day in this headspace is never a productive day.
And due to recent events, these days are becoming more frequent.
This is why I have been reconsidering therapy. One of my best friends has just graduated from university with a degree in Psychology, focusing on cognitive behaviour therapy, hoping to have a career in CBT. So, I already have someone in my life who is literally qualified to listen to me. Yet I don't utilise that - I pretend everything is okay in front of him.
Maybe it isn't the best idea to have one of your best friends as your therapist anyway, but I'm starting to think that I need one nevertheless. There is too much in my head and if I don't say it to someone I am in danger of taking it out on myself.
Does anyone reading this go to therapy? Is it a good thing for you, or have you had bad experiences with it?
I'm not totally sure that I will end up going to therapy. Maybe I'm just desperate to tell someone my secrets and once I do I will be okay again. But for how long will I stay okay? There are things from years ago that I want to forget but I can't.
Maybe therapy will never be for me. But I'm beginning to think that I'll have to get used to it, because I want to recover in the best way possible, and this may be a big step in recovering.