Tuesday, 28 April 2015

#DearMe: A letter to my 14 year old self

Dear Me,

I am writing this letter to a 14 year old you because... ah, well you know why. It is around about this time in the year, at age 14, that stuff happens (although don't quote me on that because future you blocks those memories out) and you feel the most alone that you have ever felt and will ever feel. 

You probably won't get much work done for the next 14 weeks, you will not go to as many rehearsals for the school musical as you are supposed to, and you will even say a couple of things that will get you into a bit of trouble. These things will not define you, and you will understand as I did then that you only said those things because your brain is turned to mush from all of the crying. 

You're in a dark place right now, I know. You will show signs of depression, and you will develop anxiety. I'm sorry to say that only the first of these was not permanent. Because of all of the crying and shaking you'll do in the upcoming weeks, this will have a horrible effect on your body, and I'm sorry once again to say that it looks like they're not going away any time soon either. (Just a note to say that you will be completely right when you say "I'm already ill" in response to your parent's plea to stop getting so upset because it will make you ill.)

I'm not making it sound like much fun, am I? That's because it isn't. It will be the hardest time in your life, hands down. Nothing is worse to this day. But what happens to you now will make you stronger, and kinder, and wiser. It should never have happened to you, but there is a moral to every experience you have in life.

Once this is over, and the dust has settled, you will be happy. More happy, in fact, than you ever thought you could be. Your friends are still your friends, your face feels less tears nowadays (and is looking sooo much better, thank goodness for puberty) and though school life is still tough for you, the only thing that makes you upset is exams, not people.

In other news, you're 14 in 2011, right? In about a year's time you will stumble across these two people on youtube called Dan and Phil that will totally change how often you go on youtube. A little note in advance: yes, you should definitely click on the recommended video with a boy and his emo-black hair opening mail, and then you should also click on the recommended video of the boy with similar looking brown hair who apparently 'can't sleep'. You will never regret it.

Another couple of little things: whilst you thought you would never be able to do make up, you can now do it so well that you taught your friends how to contour properly. You will make a whole load of new friends, go to lots of concerts because you aren't afraid of loud music anymore, and even have a little job that can help pay for all of those concert tickets and make up and Dan+Phil merch. 

I know you hate yourself, little one. But when you write this letter you will love yourself as you are, laugh a little bit everyday, and know a whole lot more than you did back then. 

Love, present Me x